I felt the unnerving snap of the joint, the subsequent crash of immobility and the final realization of the game change. Your mind relentlessly re-lives violent falls or crashes allowing you to witness every step of the accident like patron in a theater who can not escape the movie. You feel the tendons snap, or you hear the crash over and over again. You cringe at the ability of limbs to betray you at such lengths. Of gravity to seemingly vanish while you grapple in a free fall.
When you hit the ground the healing journey now set before you derails all the prearranged plans you concocted. The walk down the hall to the loo now resembles the mountain climb you had in mind for vacation.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith Jehovah, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end…. Jer. 29-11
In a rather crucial moment I came to realize midway through the dislocation and break of various body parts this summer, that the biggest dislocation I had was my attitude. When the first bits were relocated I had to humble myself and hug the Dr. who had promised it would go well. As my situation was assessed by various doctors over the course of several days many other body parts were discovered to be injured. Culminating in the possibility of a hip being dislocated.
The trepidation of the cure was as bad or worse than the accident. On the way to the orthopedic surgeon my terror level was on red-alert. I was in agony and so was my soul. I imagined the joint being “popped” into place without understanding the process, without the benefit of ANY information, only my imagination in a fear-feeding frenzy. Half way to the doctor’s office it came to me to turn it around. I realized with a clear voice in my head that I could NOT continue my life like this; and the solution -what ever it would be- would have to be applied.
I had to re-locate my attitude. I had to accept the situation at it’s basest level. Completely and physically stop my thought process and say out loud so I could understand, “What-Ever-Has-To-Be-Done-To-Fix-This -Must-Be-Done”…..in doing so I re-aligned my reason with my resolve and instantly felt calmer. I had to surrender, to become the weakness and let go of all the resistance.
And he hath said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Cor 12:9
It’s the second clause there that is the hardest to grasp. Oh yes, your grace is sufficient, and in that phrase we somehow think that our calamity will be a cake-walk, but no! In our weakness, in our brokenness that is where His power is made strongest. When we are forced to give in completely. When we can no longer stand up on our own two feet….. sometimes literally.
Thereafter in physical therapy it was found that other subsequent joints were out of alignment…..that recovery road became bumpy and pitted all over again. Trips back to the doctors confirmed that more work would have to be done. But at this point my attitude was unwavering. “What ever it takes to get well.”
And be not fashioned according to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, and ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2
This meant another physiological shift in thought process-however brief, shooing away the”I can’t believe this is happening to me!” Recommitting to, The Lord will be with me every step, and there is something to be learned here.
God in His wisdom used this summer and fall (and Fall!) to challenge me to stop and wait. To listen and wait. To rest and heal. To be patient and and listen and trust. Gratefully He put in my path trained professionals who also walk with Him. On the four month journey we all learned from each other. Listening, learning, working, sharing and trusting in Almighty God.
I thank you for this healing journey and your company on every step of it. I thank you for the calm exhortations you revealed to me and gave me the boldness to share. You are my healer, You are my physician, my portion.