This past weekend I took a one and half gaynor down the slippery slope. I threw myself in head first. I did a swan dive, held my nose and jumped down into the hole.
I knew it was happening as I descended, and did nothing to stop myself. I didn’t try to scramble for cover, or grab on to a branch and dangle there till a rescue team came. Nope I just took the plunge.
It was actually a very short trip down to the bottom. The bottom came up to meet me very quickly. Oh there is quite a story line to this drama in my head, don’t get me wrong. I was perilously close to the edge for quite some time.
My limits have been pushed by a cunning duplicity of actions versus words of people close to me for some time now. Actions with a direct impact on my life. I have looked at this situation from so many angles and I keep asking the Lord to help me make sense of it. How can someone claim to be so full of faith, directed by the Lord, and then act so blatantly callous? And expect me to go along with it too?
Trying to plumb the depths of this conundrum and live my own life took hold of my every sane moment. Add to that an all too terrifying health crisis, the loss of a family member, the shaky financial stage and viola! A melodrama so consuming I’m surprised it wasn’t on CNN headline news.
I continually cried out to the Lord for clarity on these fronts, until one afternoon, last Saturday actually I just let it sweep me right over into the abyss.
Like I said, hitting rock bottom wasn’t a long trip. But there I was hurricane raging in my head, and all I could do was lie under the covers and weep. Alternately deciding whether or not to have dinner or not. I settled on not……and to remain lying on the rocky bottom for the day. Imagine that? And not long after the post about “choosing to enjoy the day”.
That next morning I reached for my devotional to catch up on what I was to have read the night before and found myself in Ephesians 4:30
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
I’m surprised I didn’t see my name at the end of that sentence.
So I got up to face the world, and read some more:
Eph 5:6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.
I realized that what I need to concern myself with is my walk with God. If someone else claims to be on the path, yet trounces on truly decent individuals, discounting their efforts and loyalty; dismissing them for a lack of belief; that is not my business. Who am I to judge?
My business is to reign in my reactions, temper my outrage with trust in the Lord. Continue to be kind and peaceful through all negotiations and let the Lord Almighty be in charge. He truly knows this situation and He will is in control. His will be done.
Crying under the covers will not change the situation. Will not bring comfort, unless I still have that stock in Kleenex.
Eph 3:13-16 Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory. For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man
I am sorry I vexed you. I do know that you did not bring me this far to leave me here to my own devices. I do know that you hear my prayers, and I do know that you are with me.
You are greater than any problem that I face, and with the measure of grace you have granted me I can do what is right.
I trust you.